Okay …. So show me a woman that gets on with her mother in law immediately ….. no wait …. Let me rephrase that question ………
Show me a woman …. Who is mature and respectful and loving enough to submit to her mother in law from day 1 …… hmmmm ….. doesn’t often happen, right?
Hmmmmm …… And so the fun begins:
Up until the beginning of this year …. I was NOT the emotional type ….. hehehe … Adre can definately tell you some horrible stories about the “cold” Nicky. Actually … pretty much everyone that knows me … can tell you that I WAS a very “emotionally unattached” person. No hugs and kisses …. No talking about feelings …. so cold and so “blind”! ….. now though …. For 2009 ….. I think I am officially in the running for the Gold when it comes to “chunkie-baalie of the year” – I like to call it “healing rain”! … lol!
I remember when I first started dating Adre …. I would sit at his house and watch him and his family interact with eachother …. His mom in particular is very sensitive to the emotional needs of the people around her and loves showing her kids affection. Small things like hugs, a tap on the bum while walking past, a kiss, playing with each other’s hair …. And so on (believe me there’s A LOT more). I actually thought for a long time that this was just over the top weird!!!!! I was actually quite offended one day when Ma tapped me on the bum while I was walking past her ….. my first thought was to tell her that I don’t appreciate the personal space invasion …. but something stopped me …… I tried to think of a legitimate reason for this action …. What is the purpose ….. huh????? But brushed it off to ….. hmmmm …. She could possibly be a bit on the “loopy” side. As the years carried on …. These little “playful actions” continued …. And was also directed towards the kids ….. I didn’t really read too much into it and would just try to avoid being on the receiving end of it.
Hehehe ….. God is amazing …… He will bring you to a point (at some stage in your life) where He restores something that was lacking in your life – even if you didn’t know you didn’t have it …… He will place someone in your life that will be consistent and sometimes persistent with something they say or something they do …… or even a personality / character trait ….. which will initially annoy the living daylights out of you ….. but eventually you’ll get it ….. eventually you’ll see the bigger picture ….. and that is when restoration takes place.
…..hmmmmm ….. not getting what I’m on about?????? Let me explain a little further …..
A little bit of background ….. for those of you who don’t know Ma (my mother in law) … Ma is a social worker and is by far the most “clued up” woman I have ever met when it comes to children! (there are 2 things that I have learnt the hard way …. 1) just because I have 4 children …. Does NOT mean that I know everything there is to know about kids …. And 2) I have to date, never, NOT EVEN ONCE, been able to prove Ma wrong with regards to anything pertaining to the wellbeing of our children … lol …. No matter how hard I tried).
Well …… Ma has this thing about her ….. this way of getting to you ….. and you don’t even know it.
She will reprimand you in such a nice way …. that you only “get it” 2 days later! As in …. You only “get” that you’ve been crapped out, like 2 days after the fact. Yep, gotta love the technique! Actually ….. I have seen her operate with Adre and Ilze ….. and of course other people. And she has a different way of approaching and handling each one of us. I think that she is a master in her profession! And with me personally …. she knows exactly how to correct me in a way that I am left with “food for thought” …. And not with a feeling that I’ve been corrected. (I think she has figured out that with me …. The term “food for thought” works much better than immediate confrontation) – I think she knows … .that I won’t get it immediately so that she can make a run for it … and NOT be in the vicinity when I do actually realize that she told me off. …. Lol ….
Well anyway … believe me ….. there were plenty of times where I would take offense …. And actually felt like I was constantly being annalysed everytime Ma was around ….. and my immediate reaction would be to lash out at Adre with the all time famous statement …… “your mother is driving me crazy ….. choose ….. me or your mom” hehehehe …… and still today, I sometimes get a little frustrated or “taken aback” when Ma points out something that she has noticed ….. somewhere that I am lacking ….. or something that I said to the kids that was too harsh ….. or an emotion from the kids that I did not pick up on ….. which always leaves me sleepless …. And wide awake in the middle of the night … with just me, myself and I …. and it always end up with the conviction of the Holy Spirit …… I ball my eyes out in the early hours of the morning ….. and the result …… REPENTANCE AND HEALING!!! …. And then I know that nothing Ma says is ever said in judgement …. But purely in love and guidance …. The truth of the matter is that Ma has played a huge positive role in my journey from teenage pregnancy to daughter in law ….. no matter how many times I’ve angered her … disappointed her …. Disrespected her ….. or saddened her …… she has remained constant …… with love and guidance.
I had a real crappy attitude towards Ma when Adre and I first started dating. I was 17 yrs old, pregnant with Adre’s child. I thought I was “all that” and just could NOT seem to gel with Ma. I would fight with Adre saying that his mom is impossible …… and of course the fact that I didn’t know Jesus just “added on stamps”….. I thought she was weird, always talking about Jesus …. Always going to church ….. what’s wrong with this woman ……. Thank You Jesus for Salvation! Lol …. who would have thought?
At one point, I even thought she hated me and was trying to kill me ….. I found it really “strange” that every time I came to visit …. She made CURRY!!!!!!!! Hellllllooooooo ….. I am WHITE …. As in caucasian ….. as in my dad comes from England …… the only curry I grew up with was sweet curry ….. and the only claim or right that my mom had to naming it curry …. Was the fact that she put Tumeric in it … to make it yellow … lol. I had never seen a clove and a barley leave before I met Adre. Infact …. As far as I knew ….. Clove’s were used to keep the ants away …. Hehehehe!!
Now you tell me ……. Wouldn’t you think that your mother-in-law was trying to kill you??? …. When, after eating her food ….. for some really strange reason …… you’re the ONLY person that is convinced that you need to be rushed to the emergency room for internal 3rd degree burns from your tongue right down your throat to the inside of your stomach …….. and as if that isn’t enough ……. After failing to suck milk through a straw, because of chronic inflammation of the tongue and mouth area ….. you end up just soaking your entire face in a bowl of milk … then …… as if that still isn’t enough punishment … you have this terrible sensation bubbling on the inside of you …… and you “register” JUST in time that it was the desperate cry of your “dikderm”…. To get your butt to the loo …….. hmmmmm …… and let me tell you …. that is when you start to think that this “mother-in-law situation” is more serious than you originally thought …. Paranoia of course finds the moment and kicks in with full force …… you then contemplate diarizing your every move so that if you happened to “disappear” one day ….. someone would find your diary with incriminating evidence against your mother in law….. and the truth would be told!!!! …. oh my word ….. 17 years old …… so immature …. and oh so stupid !!!! I clearly had a “wild imagination”…. it is actually hilarious now …. But back then I was convinced that I had to “watch my back” …. Serious!!!
Growing up in my house …. Was completely the opposite to Adre’s ……. I don’t have any bad memories from childhood such as physical or sexual abuse or severe hunger or even rejection ….. we were pretty happy ….. well fed and clothed, lots of laughter and happy times up to teenage years when rebellion kicked in ……
However ….. and this has recently come to my memory ….. as in …. So much so ….. that I now realize why I have battled in the area of receiving and giving affection ……
Looking back to my childhood …… as far back as my memory allows ….
I cannot remember my mom hugging me ….. or telling me that she loves me ….. or playing with my hair while I fall asleep ….. or tapping me on my bum as a sign of affection ……. Or just holding my hand while we watched tv …… I can’t remember my mom holding me just for the sake of holding me….. not because I got hurt and was crying …. But just because I was her baby …….. I cannot remember my mom telling me that I’m her little princess …. Her pumpkin or her sweetheart (which she actually started calling me when I was much older).
Don’t misunderstand me please …… although my mom and I had a real up and down relationship for most of my teenage years and more so after my sister died ……. We really became so close in the past few years before she died.
The night before my mom died last year ……. I dropped her off at home after she spent the day looking after the kids ……. My last words to my mom was ….. “thank you Mommy, I love you” …. (and for me …. It’s a big deal to say I love you – it really isn’t an easy thing to say) ….. and her response was …. “love you too, I’ll see you sweetheart”.
The next morning when my dad called me to say that he couldn’t wake her up …. I rushed over immediately. When I got there, and saw her lying on the bed, I knew that very second that she wasn’t there anymore …… I knew that she had said goodbye to me the night before.
Death is so difficult to deal with ….. and I think it’s because you realize …..the very second that that person is gone ….. that there were so many opportunities to let them know that you loved them ….. but didn’t! Oh I miss my mom so much! I see her in Jordan’s artistic and creative talents …. I see her in Kirsten’s “mother-hen” personality ….. I see her in Jessica – because she looks just like my sister – and my mom missed her so much ….. and I see her in Leandre’s stubborn and boystrouss response to absolutely everything. I miss her every day …. And probably will for the rest of my life. And even though she didn’t often express it …… I do know ….. that I was loved by my mother!
When I first gave my life to Jesus …. I slowly began to see that everything that I was complaining about with regards to my mother in law ….. was in fact NOT what it seemed ……
I think that God opened my eyes to Ma’s heart. What I saw was the total opposite to what I had been making my eyes see for the first few years of my relationship with her.
What I saw was …… a mother, who put aside her disappointment and frustration regarding the circumstance that we had put ourselves in ……. And welcomed me into her home, treated me as if she herself had given birth to me and allowed me to be a member of her family. I began to see that the taps on the bum, the kisses and the hugs … was her way of showing affection to her children – including ME!! …… and that which I had thought was weird and stupid and loopy ….. was in fact beautiful, loving, affectionate, caring and tender ….. all the characteristics of a mother ….. and she did not withhold any of it from me.
Ma and I were talking one day ….. I can’t quite remember the entire conversation …… but it was during a time where Adre and I were going through a really rough time because of something that I had done ….. I will never ever forget her response to a question that I asked her ….. (and I pray … that God Almighty would bless me with the same surrendering heart one day ) …… I asked Ma … “aren’t you angry with me …. How can you still be “okay” with me”? (“my feeling at the time was ….. how can you even look at me ….. are you not repulsed and disgusted in me“)….. and her reply was …… “because my son loves you”.
With the exception of my own mother …… I will never have more love, respect and appreciation for any other woman. For years …. I kept on telling Adre …. “you have NO idea how hard I’ve worked to fit in with this family”? …… the true question is …… “do I have any idea how hard Ma has worked to fit ME into this family”?
To Ma
Thank you for loving me because your son loves me!
I love you.
Your daughter, Nicky
Ps. I promise you I will do my best to fill their cups daily!
